Tuesday, February 8, 2011

My Memorial Piece

My wave sleeve started out as a way to display my love of tattoo and also incorporate a few special events in my life.  I have been planning this piece for several years and was finally able to get it started this month and like 
everything else in life, my piece changed based on life events this year.

I had always planned on incorporating koi into my piece.  I have always admired their strength and determination to swim up river.  I fell in love with the Japanese legend of the koi, and how as they swim up the Yellow River, those that are the strongest and most determined can reach what is called the Dragon Gate.  These koi are rewarded by being transformed into dragons.  What a lovely reward!

In July of 2010 I endured what has become a very life changing event.  Because of this event, my tattoo has become more of a memorial piece. 

In 2007 I was diagnosed with PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) and was told at the time that if I had planned on having children I would have to undergo fertility treatments.  Luckily my husband and I both agreed that this was not a priority for us when we were dating, and would discuss it when we felt we were in a better position, if ever.

July of 2010 brought on a pleasant but difficult surprise.  I found out that I was having an unexpected miscarriage.  I struggled with this for a very long time.  How does one get over something that was never supposed to happen on its own?  And how do you get over something that you had no choice in?  I was only a few weeks along, and had been completely unaware that we were expecting until it was too late.

I know that in life, everything happens for a reason, and found a bit of closure in that but in the months after the miscarriage I struggled with what had happened.  I began to have anxiety and panic attacks when I felt that I was out of control with whatever was happening at the time.  It was specifically bad at my work but I was able to find solace in the least likely of places.  I was working at a pet store at the time, and as I have written before, I would find myself going to the aquatic department any time my anxiety was beginning to get the best of me.  We had always had koi at my store, but right before the miscarriage we had gotten a shipment of butterfly koi.  They were beautiful.  I found myself returning to watch them swim about whenever I was having anxiety or panic attacks. 
Due to the calming affect they had on me, I decided to incorporate butterfly koi into my tattoo and also change the design a bit to make it a memorial tattoo.  

Although I will never be entirely sure, I have reason to believe that at the time of the miscarriage I was actually carrying twins.  This is why in my sleeve I have two butterfly koi, each one representing the babies that were lost.

Butterfly Koi 1, named Autumn
 
Buterrfly Koi 2, named Sun
The other aspects of my tattoo also have a reason as well, as I have mentioned before.  The peonies in my piece represent the frailty of our existence and the beauty in our lives.  They were also the flowers used when my husband and I were married.

My husband Tim and I on our wedding day

My bouquet of peonies

One of my peonies in my sleeve
Even the rocks and the waves in my sleeve have meaning.  Although they are rough and crashing against each other, they still have their beauty.  They represent the things life will throw at us.  Some are expected and visible as we travel through life.  Some are unexpected and rest just below the surface and it is only when we are almost upon them that we must alter course.

Please feel free to message me or email me at kklingert@gmail.com if you have any questions about my journey.  And as always comments are welcomed.


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